Knowing What It’s Like to Stand Inside a Burning Home
It’s like how we set off our own fire alarms
learning how to feed ourselves
Some of my earliest memories are of the bathroom of parents’ home – covered in ash for months. The fire had started electrically in the attic above the single toilet room. At the time we heated ourselves from kerosene because it was cheaper than the electricity that had started the fire.
This was when I lived on a road simply named “Route 3.”
or, how sometimes
a person sees the ground clearly
where the lightning struck.
Once, someone put out a cigarette in a bathroom trash can at my school. The fire started on the second floor as I stood in the lobby with a group of parents waiting for pickup. I shouted for everyone to move outside to safety, but no one batted an eye at me. They were assuming the smoke was from the kitchen. It was only until the fire department showed up that people began to evacuate the smoke-filled room.
Later I learned that some fires could be internal. Having a fiery personality can drive people and it can also burn. Living in a group of violent outbursts and alcoholics, I watched the fire of my grandfather learning about my grandmother’s affair in real time as he shoved his plate of food in her face on Thanksgiving Day.
Do you believe people are born with particular fires or that their fires are primarily shaped by environmental factors?
We’re left figuring out how to be our own source, mostly.
I try not to think about it too much…
I picked up the late-night call from my friend. We had been arguing about something, but it was late, and it was unusual of her to give in after an argument so quickly. We were both very stubborn foreigners living in Wuhan, China – in the same apartment building, teaching at the same school. Friction was inevitable.
She sounded panicked. As I became more aware, I too started seeing what she was worried about. Smoke was filling our rooms. We decided to start knocking on neighbors’ doors, despite language barriers, as we made our way outside.
I find it comforting how at the most difficult point of our lives, we put everything else we’ve ever known behind us to move forward. I find it difficult when we’re forced to stand in known fires without moving.
The recent atmosphere of the US politics for me have felt this way. I keep standing on these coals, but I can’t move. All I can do is stand with my fire to burn as long as I can for those to see when they look back – when they need to see the courage for the forward risk they may need to feed themselves with.
